I can't deny this anymore.


I freaking hate econs. Ugh. Chances of me doing well for A's : less than 10% chance. Crap. Today's paper was a disaster. I think my fairy godmother decided to go AWOL on me and let me die in my own crap.

Absolute Trash.


By the way, I can't freaking buzz on my mouthpiece anymore, like how I found out today before leaving for my exam. Took out my mouthpiece, and nothing came out of it. As in no sound, so I'm prety much screwed. The amount of work that I've gotta catch up on technique and tone. Head throbs just thinking about it.


Tomorrow marks the end of my prelims, and I'm supposed to be reading up on my human geography. So I'm on IVLE, the god-forsaken place that hardly anyone uses anymore to get some lecture notes and some case studies. Last minute hug buddha's leg ain't gonna help but what the hell, its better than doing nothing. (minus blogging that is.)

Heard about the prom thingy that we're not going to have dance floor, not that I dance alot, since the last dance was prob at some jam or at the orientation dancing "Hey Mama". But it wouldn't feel very prom-ish without dance floor. Eugene and Azhar's going to make their money worth by either dancing between the tables or on the table tops. Remind me to siam far away before they make me do anything like them, I'll prob crumple on the floor with my bad knee shattered. Ow.


Intended to go back TWE this week after my promos in year two, prelims(heh.), but found out that they just breaked for the exams too. Nuts.

I forgot how is it like to be really happy and just make music. Those days in TWE, those aimless saturday afternoons, and afternoon band pracs on tuesday,no one would grumble and we'll all just happily trot down as eager as larks to throw our bags in the band room and rush lunch before setting up our instruments and rehearse.

It was fun.
It was with a purpose.
It was without a motive.
It was volunteery.
It was passion.
It was friendship.
It was family.
It was what we were and what made us feel special.

At least for me, it was.

I miss being under Zat even though he picks on me and my section.
I miss his diva ways.
I miss how we hug when we meet and part. Now I don't have anyone to do that with.
I miss the arguments he used to have with Roy, no, Guangrong, but after that we were all still brothers.
I miss how J, no, Weijian would bring us around, the mini world map and his 6 'o clock headaches.
I missed Alan, that bitch. Haha.
I can't freaking forget how Guangrong and I hated each other guts last time. Looking back, its funny.

But why does it feel different now? I still miss them. It was funny and fun with them, but Guangrong has his poly mates le. Zat's in army, and still in contact with Weijian since they Jam, with Joan, the Da-jie. Alan's with his poly mates too, Chong Hu's nearby but we rarely meet.

I guess it boils donwn to me. All my different schedules and all have excluded me long gone from them all. Maybe I should have gone to poly. Heck, the whole gang is there and I'm the only idiot who's not. I used to tell myself during JC1 how fortunate I was to still keep in contact with them, until the workload piled. Then I met new people too. So I drifted.

But I still look at the photo right on top of my com now, the one someone took for us when we went to PRCS for the master class and exchange and performance. I still look at the albums I have for all our mad-cap outings, and I still look through the Celebration night one. Espcially that one.

Its sems so long ago, but its only 2 years. What if its twenty years down the road, would we even say hi? Now,the sight of Alan saying "friends forever" at Conrad's Oscars is playing right across my mind.

Would they want to go out with me anymore, now that I've definitely changed? I'm no more the small boy Ricky anymore.


*breathes out.*
Maybe.
Maybe not.

Looking forward to see your comments you guys. Maybe we can grab an outing this weekend. Hope it wouldn't be awkard.

Till again.

Ok.

Assume that you can have one wish, one wish that can be fufill anything you want, be the ultimate ruler(who would wants to be a piece of stationery anyway?) of the world/universe, be the smartest or brainiest or smartest arse, be rich or be truly gay, what would you wish for?

I've been comtemplating about this (its quite a stupid thing for me to do since I'm never going to get a chance to wish it anyway..), and I came up with two choices. I can either wish to make myself happy, or wish for a greater good for the family and friends (noble k). Its a hard choice, knowing that you can either make yourself happy by fufilling the most inner desire you have inside, for me its be finally acceptable weight and healthy forever, or let everyone you know, minus those you don't really like to live healthy and not worry about money.


Maybe that's why people pray and religion came about. Ok now I've gotta tread carefully, to not get sued. Scary can. The gahmen's everywhere these days.

Maybe praying is a way that we hope to attain such wishes, like a belief that there's a greater being out there that'll listen to us and if we're pious enough, he'll relent. Thus the creation of god, or a celestial being. I'm not being a what's that GP word...agnositc? No, I'm agnostic, but not an atheist. Faith is a powerful thing that one can wield, and yup it can fuel our desires and make us acheive it, especially A's levels, but that's besides the point.

I think people feel safer that thre is someone watching them out there, and we can live it down easier knowing that somehow when something bad happens, someone can explain it, but its not the time for us to do. Its like heaven; no one has really seen it, not that I know of any that has, or they have told me, but we believe in it anyway, so that when we do something good, and feel stupid about it, hey, we're gonna go to the eternal place of bliss. Yay, Xbox Halo 24/7.

Conversely, Hell. It got to be a deterent to idiots who are bang on insistent on killing people and stuff. Like karma and sortof things. It get further enforced by law, which condems all those who really are naughty. So people believe, do good, get good, do bad, get bad.

But then this reminds of a story I heard, form bible, maybe my friends may want to explain it to me. There's this guy call Job? Heard he got it real bad even though he was pious and all. So what's up with that? Testing of faith right? But isn't it abit over? To suffer so much to see if we're worth it.

Sometimes maybe it is like that, you must risk losing everything, even the thing itself, if you want it bad enough, like how Zat used to tell me.


I need to change this layout. Abit passe le.


I hope I won't get used for threatening the harmony in Singapore. I'm sorry k?

Mug and mug! Its getting addictive.


Till again.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine, in mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time, when I'm kneeling at your feet.


-------------

Maybe if music dies away from my life, this will be the song for me to music.

Till again.

I wanna blog like I used to.

Maybe blogging's is really losing its appeal, but I don't know really. Could be the headache I'm having that's making me to think of killing of my site. Kinda sad though.

Anyway, somehow I don't feel a bit sad for the Hurricane Katrina thingy. I'm not being heartless or anything, since I'm the last person to be heartless, especially when I don't kill ants anymore (mossies excluded). But really, I just feel that the folks there should be more than capable to handle it themselves.

It was sad for the tsunami victims, you know, Indonesia, poor, developing and all. And it's close to home which has to be one of the contributing factors to my feelings for them. But for the Hurricane event, it was quite annoying to me that they were saying how that this was like their own tsunami. I don't get that; why are they trying to compare their tragedy with another? Like hello, be creative, get your own major disaster, don't kapok the poor Indonesian's and the affected countries'. It as though they are saying, "Hey man, we've kena some big waves too, so come and pity us." Attention seekers.

Ok ok. They are quite"poor thing" as my mum would put it, but the major superpower of the world is really in shame now (which comes to my mind that it is a very good GP essay point to include about how disasters unite men). I can't believe how racism is still an issue in times of need like that. Ok, maybe I can believe it, come to think of it. Afterall, it's them-they were the ones who started it with all that big bang nonsense of equality and yet they're being complete do-dos by leaving the poor Afro-Americans behind. Arse.

Maybe this is God's way of telling us students that what we're facing is only the least of our worries. At least we don't get washed away by floods and waters and face racist-rescuers who'll leave us in god-forsaken places of such filth and ill-conditioned areas to rot away. Mugging for A's sounds like heaven now.

Now my world seems much brighter. Headache's still there though.

Before I go, Good Luck to all who are facing any major exams, be it O's or A's or PSLE or anyway end year papers.

And here's some Dodgy Mathematical Sayings to prove my love for maths:

• There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
• Algebra was simple for the Romans: X was always 10.
• 8/5 of all people don't understand fractions.
• The lottery is a tax for people who can't do maths.
• Being good with numbers is 90% natural ability and 15% hard work.
• The latest survey shows that 1 in 4 people make up 25% of the population.

Till again.

I hate having a conscience.
That, is the only thing that is making study, be nice and eat all my veggies.


Not having proper hours is quite taxing, but hey, let's just pray that results shows.

I wonder at times if the trade off with life now for a future tomorrow or years to come is worth it. Heck, you never know if you've lived it up today, what more for tomorrow. And so, we study, i.e. mug the pants of each other, be it sciences or arts, maths or gp.

Yadayada.

I'm so neglecting people in my life, especially my family and Baolun. Darn. I gotta make it up to them in some ways.

I want to meet Damien and Chong Hu to play pool, to talk and chill out.
I want to meet J at band and have fun.
I want to meet Ms Sia at band pracs, then again, maybe not after what she asked the whole band.
I want to see the cornets at TWE, the people not the instrument ya.
I want to be with the gang all over again.

BUT! Let's all say this together, one more time:
We always have to give up what we want to do, for what we have to do.

Welcome to life.


Till again.