i received a very weird gift today. and for a first time in very long, i began to think again. it was a card with something written on it, which i know quite alot of people have read it,cos i let them too, and the gift(for vincent, its was initally a condom, then 2 condoms, then a keychain, then finally he got it...), the small package, what am i going to do with it??


seriously, i have half a mind of giving it to her. but will it be worth it? or if it even appropriate. ling told me, its all up to me. man i hate this advice, even though its so true. everything in life is entirely up to us. its the consequences that scare us into making them. most of us are used to taking orders, afriad that if we made a decision ourselves and if anything goes wrong people might blame us, whereas when someone else made the decision, and if something goes wrong there'll be someone else to blame. back to the topic. its been, nearly two months since i broke up with her. two months is a very long time. and for most people, yup its already a brand new start. i'll be having a brand new start too, but being the "sentimental" type of person, there'll be baggage left from the past. is there anyway to leave all this behind? my beloved sis(no sarcasm at all) told me, "time heals all wounds, but not the scars. the scar would be the place that she left in your heart." why am i getting all emo again. man i hate this feeling. freak. i missed my sec 4 band farewell. i went for a totally useless orientation, which left me feeling stupid and hearing his voice in the head going "i told you!" damn. damn. damn me.


a song to end my post. been long since i did this. its the line dance song we did in the band camp.


Sometimes when we touch, by Dan Hills
You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prize fighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you and drag you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you and I know how hard you've tried
I've watch while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

if you all dont get this, i'll be sayless.
k peeps.. if you wanna leave a comment on my imagestation, pls leave ur name, cos it'll be under mine, so do something like (Ah kow) wa your pics very nice!!, k? thank you~

i'm sorry about the previous post, was complete crap i think, cos i was blogging late at night, like now, and my mind was in a blank. ok, lets talk about aomething that makes sense.

how do you judge a person? nine out of ten people i know, they tell me, its first impression. yep, its the first impression that makes the most important factor for future judgement. yup, but to some, they change their opinion, or some people change themselves. as said by the author of the lord of the rings, men are the most easily corrupt, as they hate, cheat, decieve, lie, steal, all for their own selfish needs and desires. i've seen examples, of how people change and hate others to a extent that i cannot take.

is it wrong to be oneself? is it wrong to not have a reason? is it wrong to just once, kick back and relax? i don't understand, how you all can hate someone so much, even though he has not ever tried to harm or irritate you directly. i don't undestand why you all poke fun and laugh at him just because he is different and feels differently towards things from us. i like laughing, not at people, but with people. i cannot enjoy the fun when its being directed at someone for a reason that is ridiculous, which the reason is 'i cant stand him'. come on, if you say he dislike you, who started the disliking first? yes i know i myself have hated and disliked people, but never without a cause, or without them provoking me first. i've learnt that people have follies, and and their bad ways, but its in their nature, just as you all have. it isn't right to discriminate just for that reason. i've felt guilt whenever i joined you all in your 'merry making', which is why i've long not joining you all in your talk about him. worse still, now you all are telling him how much you dislike him in his domain, how he thinks he's great? are you sure he does? why can't you all just leave him alone? same old advice, put yourself in his shoes, being attacked so deeply hurts. i know you may not ever be in this situation, but still, its not right. i cant believe you all actually wrote something like that, something that hurtful, even worse than what Zat said to me. to cry is not wrong, whoever said it was attention seeking? i applaud his courage, to cry, as i've know some who have never had the strength to weep and expose their weaker side. come on, he's still young, and needs to learn how to express himself in a way such that it doesn't be i quote 'waaay too much'. please give him a chance, like how we give you, you all. please, dont hate him that much. i've not hated you all just because you are you, just like you did not with me. so many in the past have disliked you but changed their opinions in the end, i hope you will do the same too.

a sorry to all those who are expecting me at the sec 4 band farewell. i will not be able to attend, sadly as i would have to attend my orientation. i would really like to go, but its something i cant skip. dont try to give me excuses or get mcs that kinda stuff. if i would be like the other sec 4s of the past and not return, i would not have returned since i've stepped down. dont put me on the guilt trip, i will not fall for it, for i know my juniors will understand. right?

Christmas~

just came back from a service from a church i think. it was, well, quite exciting, being it my first, and hearing the lady speaking in chinese, all about the lord saving people. oh well. christmas isnt what it suppose to be anymore. its isnt how it means to me, somehow, christmas is just another day? last year, someone tried to get the spirit into me, was hoping i would understand it this year, but apparently not. this year, i spent my eve, going to the dentist, shopping for clothes, sleeping, going for church, and msning. pathetic? very. i'm beginning to feel that christmas nowadays is a opportunity for companies to increase their sales and get more money. then again, why am i preaching here? somebody asked if i wanted to join chrsitanity. well, i would, but i'm just not willing to devote myself to anybody or any religion currently. maybe somewhere in the future, or maybe never.

pics are up.

Friends?
For the first time, i'm blogging at weijian's house. currently, i cant think of a title to this post, so if it has one, it'll be one which i thought of later.
to those who do not know what am i doing at weijian's house, its because of a wonderful christmas party we had. but i'm not blogging abt the party, shall leave it to some other people who will i think, but if not, i'll update you all with the pics. up soon.

what i wanna say, is that how can people after breakup remain friends immediately? its virtually impossible. have any of you seen that happenning?? i for one has not. there would be a sense of 'weirdness' for a long period of time. firstly, to breaking up is a devastating thing to both parties,(most of the time la) and there's no way how either one who felt that the other party had done something wrong as so to initiate the breakup to forgive or look over the sadness and past to remain as friends?? imagine, to be friends with someone who you've been whispering sweet nothings, spending private moments together, and to be friends just like that? questions will arise, like, how were we when we were friends? is this appropriate? would she still think that i like her? will my friends tease me later? these are troubling questions. so how can one remain friends? i think its only possible after a long period of isolation from the person. which is hard.

there's just so many heartbreaks i'm seeing these days, and its hurting me just as much. yes i may not have wanted to know it, but just as they say, the truth hurts. as much as it hurts, its pisses me off. oh my gawd, i'm so getting angry all over again. but what right do i have to be? whatever you do people, let me forget it. i'm over it.

Sobs.

all good things have to come to an end. oh well, and the band camp had ended. here's a little update to what did we do during those three days. basically, it was the usual long hours of band practices, but not forgeting the usual fun games and makan cheers, but this year had an additional line dancing activity~ it was defintely a hit, with so many people saying it was fun, how can it be not? haha..my biggest regret, is not to have my digicam with me this time..sobs. i missed so much important events, but don't worry, zhijian made it up with his digicam, and we did make a short picture story movie. hee.. some of the more significant events would be someone stepping on a potential escargot who was minding his business snailing away till... crack, squish. oops.

oh yeah, went for a second audition for mjc, first for juling. man, am i desperate to get in there or what? i cant believe that bloody bitch complained to the conductor of another band that i cant paly the g major scale. hey, i started off the right note, but was so nervous that i forgot..and thanks to your 'are you sure?', how could anybody be sure?? asshole. i'll quit the band there once i get pass the 3 months.. grr.

one more thing, my msn nicks are not meant to be talked about, and to be discussed, or asked things like 'eh, he got pierced ears, so he shopuld get married hor, harhar..' or 'so who do you think should get pierced ears to get married har? hahah..' eh, if you want to discuss a nick, dont it with me.my nicks are just meant to be read, then forgotten. not remembered forever, and no, they are not referring to anyone, so stop asking.

so look out for the photos, and keep checking back here yeah? leave so comments for the previous pics at the guestbooks, or here about anything i've missed during the camp.

the problem with me.

sounds like a title to a book huh? well, before i get to that, or i might include bits and pieces of that into what i'm going to type next, here's a little update of what's been going in my little life.

hoooray~ my com's fixed! finally i'm online using windows xp and blogging~ woohoo! amazing that i'm in such a good mood as i just woke up thanks to 4 consecutive bloody irritating calls that woke me from my deep slumber. *curse* yup, the com's fixed, courtesy to me, myself and no, not me but my sister and the guy at pacific net, who made me wait for about let's say, 15 mins with this christmas jingle and a recorder operator that says, ' christmas is a time for giving, so please give us a couple o minutes before we get back to you, your call is important to us'... yadadyadayada.. oh well, that's that. sunday was erm, well a ok day, considering the fact that i went shopping (erk) with family, at which my mom and dad said that my girlfriend(if i will have any) would defintely suffer, or i would suffer if she's a shopaholic like my sister.blegh. absolute torture i tell you. if not for my salvation, the toys department, i would have rotted away.. but it aint exactly fun looking at the new contraptions that people have tried to lure kids into buying, i.e., bringing out old robot toys and repainting them, and giving them a new name saying its a brand new toy, or reviving old reptilian ninjitsu warriors and messing up the real story line..not to mention the horrible kids these days that shoved me aside to look at a toy..of course he got a wee scolding from me, even when his ah ma was beside me. =p rewarded myself for putting up with shopping by getting a stikfas model. wow, its so bloddy articulated, and mines a skater boy, as in rollerblades, skateboard, snow boarding, that kinda stuff. this was followed by a line dancing jam, where i was early and should have went to the location immediately instead of fasinating myself at the espanade library, sice it actually started at 6, not 6.30..learnt a few new dances, and a note to myself, maintain my steps, not too big strides boy..

yesterday watched 'love actually' they say, 'love acutally is all around'. well, how true is that? the movie was basically on people falling in love, realising that they're in love, and either; a)they do something about it and ends happily ever after; b)hesitate too long, but realise that they love someone else; or c) in my case, gets haertbroken, and become cynical about love. bwahha. yup, that's the problem with me. yes its damn romantic to see people get together, being happy and all, and to think i used to believe love was wonderful. it is a beautiful thing, but how many people can see it that way? its amazing that i was a romantic, as in 'give me love, or give me death' kinda stuff, but now, love's secondary. i do still love, but not as much as last time. what's the point of loving when you either get a), b) or c)? the probability of getting a) in this oh so ****up world in like, let's see..5%, and 99% of that 5% are the characters in movies acting. where is the love... the love.. the love..ha. i would like to see anyone trying to restore this confidence in love back in me.

one thing, i'm not against love,i will not stop people from loving. i won't love anytime soon, maybe later in the future. (god, i'm turing out to be like my sis!)

special mentions
to yifang, whoever you are: oh the av crew thingy, its bascially the ex secretary and a guy who's in lion dance, av and in air rifle at the same time whom i hate, so no offense ya.
to the bloody asshole who tried to sell us the promised land $2 ticket, eh, thanks for scolding us "***k off" after we are leaving, that's how clever you are, scolding a wrong vulgarity at a wrong time. i'm beginning to wonder if its a scam. oops.

sniff..

i'm currently under a curse of serious influenza which i seriously think its related to my previous post, and some voodoo spell cast on me by them.. ah.. my com won't be going to see the internet anytime soon, so how am i blogging now? hee..i'm using my sis's sch's laptop to blog while trying to download some server for my modem on the old com.

won't blog too much, just some few thoughts for today..
1.how does weijian finds his way around anywhere?? has he got an inbuilt map or does he really reads the singapore directory during his free time?
2.why did xingwen cry today? did it have smthg to do with is blog post? highly probable, but i think i have a slight idea who's he talking abt..
3.why is it that farah has such a beautiful house, a pool table(which is small but still fun!), and i dont?? hm.. personal goal; get a house with a pool table, bigger one!
4.why do i sneeze so bloody loud, hurts my throat wor..
5.why is it now that i can relate to zhijian after what he told me..like its all bloody true man, being a guy is hard, being a good guy is harder, and being a good guy boyfriend is even harder..
6.must i really condition my hair, so ma fan..but its not my fault its like hay..
7.when can i use my old com to go online again?
8.do i really sound better with my wake up voice which is deep and throaty and raspy?
9.am i really under a voodoo spell??9he
10.a last emo question to everyone reading this, does real love exist? and am i talking sense..(hey that's two questions.. cheater.)

Here you go peeps...

Top Ten Hated ________(fill in the blanks with any vulgar or what so ever you want to put) People
the names are not in order, rather names that just pop into my mind...and if you see your name here, too bad. you should know i hate you cos i dont talk to you. at all. and this's just my personal opinion, so if you dont like it, beat it.

1.Jonathan Tay. such a suck ass loser, only makes friends with girls, dont believe me? look at his
friendster list.
2.'Matrix' *blows fringe* Guess hu... man wor! blegh. who'll like a guy who got his name from a comic??
3.Ouyang. Nuff' said.
4.Juren. asking why? hm..why dont you ask yourself?
5.Sucker Squad guys. namely the av crew, except for philemon, and james. =)
6.Rino. Another nuff' said.
7.Morni.where's our test papers?!?!?!!?
8.Shafiee (that's how you spell his name?) ah stop trying to act dm you food seller below hbds..
9.Anthony Chew.if you ask why, you're not a band mem.
10.Jeremy Koh who else to place after chew..


that's it folks. in one word, they suck.

An Extract From a Book - Eleven Minutes.

A time to be born, a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to leave;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, amd a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

ha..i'll update the top ten people i hate next post peeps.

got this from a email

L O V E - A Journey
Why hold someone back... when u know u don't love them...
Why keep them to yourself... when u know you won't wanna have them?
Why let them miss other chances...when they can have them?
If you really don't love someone....let them go...hurt them NOW... not later...for a longer relationship builds stronger emotions...


A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love and two people.


Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.


Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time.That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved. Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have.And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle,wild and short-lived and one that's tender and passionate,nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us,takes work because it's about keeping a relationship.


Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other. Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop. Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better. The power of true love to a person is undeniable. A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them. The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love.


"Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to net, but easy to break." Every day everywhere, people fall in love ... but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense! feeling of falling in love? I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just I am IN love with you. There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love with you because of the present you. This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts. When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship... where both were only IN love with each other. But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in
the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it,you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love. It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking. Let your heart guide u. May you be blessed on your soul-searching journey = for your soul mate.


ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE? ASK YOURSELF!
Is this true love? Do I really love him/her? Or izzit just another infatuation? R U willing to give? Even though you may not get back the same amount you gave? R U cheating yourself? Thinking that you really love him/her and not just taking him/her as a substitute for your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?


Friends, let today be the day....... you truly understand love....... If after reading this and answering all the questions,you are very sure that you love him/her,tell him/her that. Let him/her know how much you love him/her and that you are willing to take the risks of being hurt by him/her in the course of the development of your relationship with him/her. This is a love that's sacrificial, R U ready for it? If you accept someone's philosophy that is simply their rationalisation to justify their failure, you accept their failures!"


to some, the above is just full of yadayada, but give them to anyone who's ever been in love, or thought that they've been in love, it'll make some sense of it.( i cant believe when i'm typing this, "pretty boy" is playing on my com..) but, who truely understands love? so many prach abt true love, but no one really seems to know anything abt it. not even me.


i decided to dedicate the rest of the post to her.
someone told me, (either you, or audrey, or both of you) that a relationship is only worthwhile if you walk into it with nothing and come out it learning something. i certainly did. yes its true i've felt alot of pain buring the end of our relationship, but i've gotten over it finally. even though it still hurts, but i've learnt that the pain numbs after awhile, just like you told me. but i'll have to thank you for teaching me all these. i've enjoyed all the times we've spent together, but through these times i realised that i'll never be a good partner, have enough commitment to maintain a relationship. remember those promises you made of till end of time? now you'll know why i've never said anything of that sort. i've never dared to say anything which i know i might be able to fufill. there's a time for everything they say, maybe, this isn't the time of us. i still feel the hurt at times when i see you, as in "so close yet so far", but i respect your decision, and as i've told you, if you're happy with this, i'll be fine with it.

events of the days
after realising what crap that last post was, i think i need to talk abt something that is more..let's say, not soppy, not whiny not anything that is a deep thought or complaining abt how horrible my life is or how someone is such a suck ass loser, etc, you get the point.

let's have a current update on events that happened in the past few days~the chalet! my god, this is my first ever chalet that i've stayed over with weijian and zat and aaron and they all, and it is defintely the most ting tong, eventful one i've had. totally no comments abt the race, the bbq was fun, even though something horrible happened to my poor digi-cam which involved some very excited girls and some very slippery hands. but frankly i was not at ease at all that day, i rather that ****(does not have to be the letters of the person's name hor, just to put a blank) didnt come.so close yet so far. ouch. *looks emo now..*
on a better note, after the rest left for band prac, a hearty and crap filled breakfast, prob due to zhijian being present, we cruised around in pasir ris park on bikes. erm bicycles at least. learnt to play pool, won like two matches, and watched brother bear which i thought was corny, played at arcade where i learnt i cant ddr, but can shoot dinosaurs better then chong hu, but still needs his help. hah. but i think i'm pretty much broke, spent like 30 to 50 bucks within 3 days. now that i'm finally home, i begin to wonder, when will we ever do this again? never i say, because everytime we meet we have a new adventure yeah? (ok that's so corny). not to mention the dwarves are taking over the world! they're everywhere!! highlight of the night----played ice and water..
suddenly i had a thought, an extract from a book. airports are a very nice place. its filled with people, people who are going to another country to begin a new life, to get away from their past and have a fresh start again. i want that too. i want to get a new start to my life.
oh. photo's are up.